There’s a beautiful yoga teacher in Sacramento who just started to write a blog. I am completely addicted to it. She is honest and eloquent and funny and open. I love her, through it. She inspired this post with her own story: Ten years. Two Pages. Three-word sentences. Sounded impossible, so I gave it a shot.
Felt like adult. Fended for myself. Pressure to succeed. Hid my pain. Didn’t feel it. Ate practically nothing. Drank Diet Coke. Anger and Resentment. Applied to College. But just barely. Had people fooled. Thought so anyway. Met first love. Loved him quickly. He cherished me. I started eating. Still so angry. Didn’t acknowledge it. Left for school. Loved my freedom. Escaped my family. What a relief.
Found summer camp. Working with kids. Lit my life. Became a mentor. Met little Cindy. She was fast. She was energetic. She loved me. Loved her back. I felt joy. I felt valued. Blessed by community.
Brother got sober. Didn’t care much. Tired of that. Everything about him. Was still angry. Angry at him. Angry at parents. Didn’t know though. Thought I healed. Wanted to forget.
Joined Session Six. Unicamp was home. I made friends. I was loud. I was obnoxious. I laughed tons. I never cried. Mentorship Program Director. My life changed. I had responsibility. Learned organization skills. Learned management skills. Sucked at it. I hate sucking. It was hard. But also awesome. My beautiful committee. Talented and wise. They trusted me. I sucked less. I tried learning. I tried listening. Still hated sucking. Learned and grew. Ran a program. I did that. It was crazy. I never slept. I never ate. The good kind. I felt alive. I felt purposeful. I found myself. So I thought. Do we ever? I’m thinking no. Love was glorious. Like the movies. Relationships are hard. I was vulnerable. I was open. Then it ended. My heart broke. I cried tons. More than ever. Then I stopped. For many years. Didn’t want to. Crying was weak. Crying was failure. Crying was miserable. Mentorship was hard. Missed my friends. Missed my support. Kept at it. Did my best. Was never enough. Hard on myself.
Lived in 203. With best friends. My beautiful heroines. Four extraordinary friends. Shared our secrets. Talked about life. Became women together. Learned to trust. Opened a little. Just to them. They were smart. They were funny. They were unconditional. Late nights laughing. Many dipped cones. Alice is brave. Sonya is artistic. Michelle is practical. Marni is unique. Me and Alice. Singing Lauryn Hill. In the car. Loud and louder. Hobbes and Guess. Best duo ever. Love that woman. My whole heart. Soul sister forever. Different and same. Learned from her. Loved with her. Anger at men. Anger at world. Anger all over. Feared getting hurt. Strong and stronger. Strength and power. Protect my heart.
Climbed a mountain. With our kids. Me and Alice. To the top. Shared with them. Cried with them. Laughed and hugged. Laughed so hard. Hugged So hard. Cried so hard. Most memorable week. My whole life. Changed me forever. Still remember them. Each of them. Special to me. In my heart. Me and Alice. Singing and sharing. Teaching and loving. Our fullest selves. Hiking through hail. Thunder and lightning. Holding one another. All of us. Like a family. A cherished memory.
Summer of 2006. Amy and Katie. Our journey together. No words explain. Could write paragraphs. What it meant. How it felt. Nothing like it. CHALOF is love.
Went to a yoga class. It was hard. I got strong. I liked that. Liked my arms. And my abs. And my butt. It was working. For those things.
Quarter Life Crisis. What to do? Who to be? Save the world. At least try. Work with kids. Make parents proud. Not sure how. Struggle with everything.
Then Gobbie’s accident. Everything is chaos. My parents cry. My parents fight. My brother helpless. My brother broken. My heart broken. Devastating us again. Everyone is sad. But nobody speaks. It is fine. He is fine. We are fine. Nobody’s fine.
Tried Outdoor Education. Sassed my boss. Dated a lesbian. Knew it all. In your face. In everyone’s face. Didn’t work out. What to do? Who to be? Still didn’t know.
Moved to Sacramento. Felt like failure. Still hated sucking. I felt lonely. Especially at first. Did more yoga. And even more. Felt like addiction. The good kind. Sweating and twisting. Oming and chanting. Deeper and deeper. Started to listen. Finally heard lessons. Liked the stories. Connected to dharma. Found a teacher. Taken by AMK. Her intense energy. Felt like mine. She could relate. I could relate. We knew eachother. We were eachother. Wanted to teach. Spread the yoga. Did teacher training. Resisted it all. Didn’t ever cry. Didn’t open up. Laughed and joked. Put on show.
Back to School. Be a Lawyer. Make some money. Have more power. Make parents proud. Meet everyone’s expectations. But who’s everyone? Felt totally lost. Confused and Sad. Missed my job. Got big ego. Mean to everyone. Got good grades. Still felt bad.
Quit teaching yoga. I wasn’t ready. Needed to work. Work on myself. On my mat. Started listening again. Open your heart. Be more vulnerable. Didn’t know how.
The Final Voyage. Opened my heart. I felt changed. Resisted it ending. Held on tight. Fear and sadness. Joy and hope. CHALOF is family. In my heart. All the memories. So much love.
Left for L.A. A new adventure. Scared and excited. Held Amy tight. Transition is scary. Change is hard. Spent time alone. Sitting with myself. Yoga was hard. Loneliness was hard. Started to cry. I felt relieved. Cried some more. Missed my friends. Missed my life. Missed my community. Missed my mom. Missed my identity. Started to breakdown. But then, breakthrough. Heather got sick. Cried for days. Decided to love. To love everyone. To love hard. Channeled her energy. Felt her spirit. I felt changed.
Not so angry. Tapped into softness. Grew out my hair. Started to listen. Tried being nice. Nice felt good. Started to meditate. Tried gratitude practice. Wrote in journal. It was working.
Maybe teach Kindergarten. Be a lawyer. Run a camp. Just run away. Be a lawyer. Grown up life. Happiness and Expectations. Happiness and Money. Happiness and soul. Happiness and love. Sorting it out. Practice and practice. Try and open. Patience and curiosity. My greatest challenges. Give up fighting. Give in gently. Meet some resistance. But keep trying.